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Ying: Welcome to ADHD Gathering, a podcast, highlighting diverse narratives within the ADHD community and amplifying strength from real ADHD folks. I’m your host Ying, also known as ADHD Asian Girl across all social media.
Let’s tune in to today’s show.
Mariely Hernandez. PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist and postdoctoral research fellow within the division on substance use disorders at Columbia university medical center.
Prior to pursuing her doctorate in clinical psychology at the city college of New York. Dr. Hernandez spent seven years involved in research on bipolar disorders across various age groups. Her research interests then shifted to focus on ADHD and substance use risk. Alongside her post-doctoral research fellowship. Dr. Hernandez. runs a part-time private practice specializing in helping adults with ADHD recognize their strength to lead more fulfilling lives.
Identifying [00:01:00] as part of the ADHD community herself, having been diagnosed as an adult. Dr. Hernandez is also a mother to two very active boys. Dr. Hernandez, actively advocates for increased recognition and treatment of ADHD, particularly within marginalized populations. She leverages her privilege and platforms to educate and support both treatment providers and patients alike.
Welcome to my podcast today. And today I have a special guest, Dr. Mariely Hernandez. We met each other on Twitter first, and we met each other in person at 2023 CHADD conference. And it was just such a fabulous time. And yeah, thank you so much for being on my podcast, Dr. Hernandez, please introduce yourself.
Mariely: Sure. Hi, Dr. Mariely Hernandez. And I also go by Mariely or Ellie, so however you would want. I am Dominican born, Bronx raised [00:02:00] clinical psychologist licensed in New York State. And I’m also a postdoctoral research fellow at Columbia University Medical School in the division on substance use disorders. I do a lot of stuff typical of ADHD and of Caribbean born people. You got five jobs. I’m a member of APSAR, which is the American Professional Society of ADHD and related disorders, and that organization is collaborating with other ADHD organizations to create guidelines for the United States for diagnosing and treating ADHD in adults.
And so I’m on one of those committees that’s drafting the guidelines. It’s an incredible privilege and more and more I realize how needed it is because a lot of people, including practitioners and providers aren’t aware or don’t really know how to diagnose it. Or like how to [00:03:00] identify it when it doesn’t look the way that they expect.
Ying: I love that. Yeah, let’s dive right Into your diagnostic story, you told me earlier that you were diagnosed as an adult as well. And you were already going through a lot of diagnosis for other people, but still it takes some time for you to realize it. So just walk me through it. What’s the point that you finally realized like, Hey, I might have this too.
Mariely: So I was diagnosed in my kind of mid twenties or in my earlier, in my early twenties, I was seeing a psychologist that I had a lot of anxiety. And part of it was just being in a really toxic kind of living situation, unboundary work life. I was in distress, but it was hard for my therapist at the time to understand what I was going through unnecessarily, but she did do an ADHD questionnaire and she’s oh, you might have this.
So I left that living [00:04:00] situation and I was being treated for depression and anxiety, but very low dose meds. And once the anxiety resolved and I wasn’t depressed anymore or anything. I was happy. I still was really inattentive I still had a lot of trouble focusing like so I asked for a referral for a psychiatrist that I was already working with to check in my list of providers and who he knows works well with, which is a privilege because so many people have had poor experiences with people they just find online.
And this doctor was so kind, this older white man on the Upper East Side. This kind of psychoanalytic didn’t talk a lot, so I told him, In college, I did use Adderall to study, like I’d never used Adderall to party, that sounded awful. And so I would pull all nighters in the library, me, the other pre med, and all the international students to get my work done.
And [00:05:00] we tried Ritalin, I even tried Stratera because I felt so guilty for like the stimulant misuse. Those didn’t really work, it was really Adderall that helped. And when I got that regularly, I was like, oh, this is the way you’re supposed to use it, not just when you’re so behind and trying to cram.
It just allowed me to be more present in person and meetings. When I ended up getting my doctorate. What I learned is that you just have to come to class. I could never make it to class on time in college. If I would have just made it to class, it would have helped me quite a lot.
There’s so many times that I didn’t go. And it was just a completely different educational experience. So that’s when I was diagnosed. Then you asked me when did I realize that I was right? It’s so strange because up until then I had been doing diagnostic interviews on children with bipolar disorder and adults.
And a lot of people with bipolar disorder have ADHD [00:06:00] or co-occurring ADHD. It’s tough to distinguish between mania and hypomania and ADHD, but there are ways to do it. Usually you just have to get the timing. But I knew all of the criteria and for some reason, I didn’t apply them to myself.
I don’t know why. There’s also this stereotype that once you start learning about the psychiatric disorders, you think you have all of them, I’m just like, am I bipolar, but no, because, I think I had mood swings, but they were not that level of a disturbance.
And so I really love the people with bipolar disorder from the youth to the older adults. It’s a population really dear to my heart, clinical population, because it’s really just extremes of normal human spectrum of emotions and some of the brightest, most creative, lovely people who suffer, and so it was maybe with that distinction, I focused so much more on the [00:07:00] things that were, on the diagnoses that needed the most attention that the ADHD just seemed like background.
Ying: So much of your story resonated with me because I dealt with depression and anxiety in college as well, and I treated those and when I started working I really wasn’t struggling with those but I still had issues with work and just could not figure out how people find one career trajectory and stick with it.
That was my biggest issue. How do people do this? And that because I’ve already worked through depression and anxiety, I knew that couldn’t be part of the problem, I was in a pretty stable mood. So I was searching like, there has to be something more here. That’s how I figure out like, Oh, maybe there’s additional factor of ADHD at play.
Yeah. So it’s interesting how we both had the journey of dealing with some of the comorbidities first.
Mariely: Yeah. And, I think one of the antidepressants that I was on was wellbutrin and that was supposed to help with cognition. It didn’t really, and so [00:08:00] definitely All of those other symptoms, though, were secondary to the ADHD. If you’re inattentive, a lot of times I would agree to do things because I wasn’t really paying attention and didn’t think how much work they would be or what people were really asking me.
And then I’d be too embarrassed to show that I wasn’t paying attention. I wouldn’t ask any follow up questions because I didn’t want to look stupid. And then, of course, I would forget that I agreed to do this thing, or not ask details, it would get me in trouble, and that would cause a depression, where I would have like periods of intense, focus, because I’m panicked, and then it’s still not enough, it’s like I’m so behind, and I just carve this little space out. I think there were still really fun things about having a PhD. When I’m not on meds, I can’t remember all of my responsibilities. So I’m really in the moment. And I can be like, Oh, let’s do this or that.
And so I’m really happy until I remember, Oh shoot, I was supposed to work on this.
So then that’s where the misery comes in.
Ying: [00:09:00] You hold so much responsibility. You’re also a mom, mother of two on top of it and have a lovely relationship and everything. How do you hold it all?
What strategies have helped you since you got diagnosed?
Mariely: Oh God. You just need more help. I’m still trying to manage it. I think it’s only my seven year old was diagnosed with ADHD, but both my kids totally have it. It presents so differently. Like the seven year old, he has never sat down for dinner.
He’ll take a bite and then do headstands or walk around. And then the little one. He is very sensory seeking, like he loved music or he likes to jump on you. As soon as he could crawl, then he started walking shortly after before one year old.
And as soon as he could walk, he started climbing on things and wanting to jump off them onto you without any warning. He’s really amazing. Both the kids are incredible. And I’m like, they were born to the right mom who’s not going to say that they’re bad kids.
But I am not an organized person. I was organized [00:10:00] around work,
Like I tried to not take ADHD meds on the weekends, but then I couldn’t organize my social life, and I would have this decision paralysis that I wouldn’t know what to do with my free time, so I just did nothing, and it would be too late to make plans with people.
In New York, it’s never too late to make plans with people, but I was living in Boston for two years. And everyone outside of New York makes plans week in advance. And I’m just like, how do you know what you’re going to feel like doing in two weeks? Like, how could you meal plan? I don’t know what I want to eat tomorrow.
Right now I’m really grateful that I found such a good partner. There’s inattention in ADHD, but I think maybe we do pick up vibes. I don’t know what my upbringing or maybe being sensitive to things that has allowed me to make friendships with some of really incredible, amazing people who are kind.
And my husband, when we met, he’s always been family oriented and he grew up in Belgium. They’re from the Dutch side. He doesn’t like to [00:11:00] be late which was an adjustment for him marrying me. Cause you know, I’m Dominican early on time is rude.
He’s a doer. Like he doesn’t need caffeine in the morning. He can just get up and go and do things. It’s not a skill that I have. I can do a lot of the emotional support stuff, but he also doesn’t like being in the house.
So he likes planning outings with the kids, adventures. He’s very creative. His primary job is more like a CFO finance kind of stuff. But outside of that, maybe it’s the European thing, because his dad is a doctor, but also plays in a cover band, plays the drums, and he’s also an artist, so he paints, he sculpts, like he’s retired now, and he sculpts and does so many cool things.
So my husband can also play musical instruments. He likes to cycle, play soccer, and all these other things. If we’re in the house, I know how to be in the house. Like I grew up in a dangerous neighborhood, so I couldn’t really play outside that much. So we [00:12:00] created really fun games at home.
Like it was chaos, hide and seek in the dark. We would make up games. And so when I’m at home with the kids, I can really entertain them. And when I need a break, he’s really good with getting them out of the house. He’ll do their lunch. He can take them to and from school or whatever.
So these are really helpful things. And even I think the only way to manage with ADHD is to have even more help.
We have a housekeeper, but my mom can also come to help with laundry. My mom also has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, so sometimes she’ll help by washing the dishes, but she’ll put everything away in the wrong place.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter, as long as I don’t have to do the dishes or the laundry. So it’s a long winded answer, but I’ve learned we feel so much guilt for the things that we’re not good at, and I feel like we should let other people do the things that they’re good at to help us.
And we should do the things that we are good at. The guilt can keep me from [00:13:00] recognizing what my needs are. Like in Avatar, the last airbender the cartoon, there’s an episode where he’s trying to open his chakras and the guru tells him I forgot which one was the happiness chakra, but he was like, the enemy of happiness, like you would think it’s sadness, right?
No, the enemy of happiness is guilt.
And I was like, hold up. I have seen this whole series numerous times, but that’s exactly right. Because guilt robs you of enjoyment and the present moment.
If I feel like I have work to do, I feel guilty of not producing enough. I cannot even enjoy hanging out with my friends or Being with my family.
I’m not in the present because I’m feeling guilty. And what is the solution? In the cartoon, the solution was not, okay, do all the things that you have on your to do list so you don’t feel guilty. That’s not the solution. The solution is to let go of the guilt.
It’s just let it go. And so if you let go of the guilt, what else is there? it clears the way for solutions.
For you to see more clearly. [00:14:00] The work is just not that important. I am amazing. I love me, but I’m not a pilot. I’m not a conductor of a train. If I decide I can’t do it. It’s not going to crash. People are not going to die. It’s a reminder just to let go of the guilt and ask for more help when you can.
Ying: So many golden nuggets here. One is guilt prevents us from even seeing our needs. Wow, that one’s deep. I can definitely see that. And the other one of how letting go of guilt actually free up in the resources for ourselves to actually problem solve. And I’m like, yeah, that’s right. And this whole idea of living in the United States and the overwhelming focus of output and productivity. And on top of it, we have ADHD of feeling like we’re always behind and we supposed to, perform at our hyper focus level at all times almost.
We’ll take a little break from the show and talk about my ADHD coaching. So if you’re interested in [00:15:00] accomplishing more by doing less, building your ADHD resiliency, amplifying your strengths, as well as craft your own ADHD toolbox and narratives. I’m currently taking 1 on 1 coaching clients. So feel free to visit adhdasiangirl.com/coaching and book a free coaching introductory call with me. My background are in positive psychology, mindfulness, as well as lots of ADHD tried and true tools. I’m looking forward to working with you. Now let’s turn back to the show.
So I’m curious about other than asking for help, what else have you employed to help you with the work life balance.
Mariely: So since moving, it’s been hard. I’ve had a lot of health issues the past year. I get migraines. Also I’m hyper mobile and throughout my life. I’ve gotten even more injuries and inflammation related stuff because it’s been a very stressful year. But before that, and I’m trying to get back to it. I did hire a sleep coach to help with [00:16:00] the kids. Sometimes you need someone to give you permission or remind you of the things that you already know and just support you just so you don’t feel like you’re on your own.
When I would pick up the kids I will try to have a dance party with them, like for 15, 20 minutes afterwards, like just move your body. I liked finding new things for us to do together, like during the COVID lockdown, I learned how to make slime.
I learned how to make Play Doh. Like drawing stuff or finding also what they like and one thing I think I should do more that other people tend to do, or maybe it’s easier to do with kids who don’t have ADHD and are more distracted, is engage the kids in doing whatever you’re doing. My younger one loves that He loves to bake or loves to like cook, and that shaves like 10 years of my life baking with him.
Because the ADHD and the perfectionism, he’s a terrible sous chef, but he just wants to do what you’re doing. And it’s yeah, the food isn’t going to be [00:17:00] the best, but the point is that he’s involved. I think one of the challenges of parenting is often finding ways to entertain your kids.
And what I’ve learned is that the best way to entertain them is other children for them to have play dates. And this is where ADHD can be hard because I’m really bad at planning. I also have some social anxiety about stuff, cause I don’t know these parents. They don’t know me. And then when I did find parents that I like, it became easier.
If you get a village, like, where you can drop off your kid for a playdate or whatever the little one, I didn’t really want to do that because he sometimes fights. He’ll hit or he might do something dangerous. But when I actually go with him to playdates, He tells the other kids what the rules are.
He’s much better than I thought. He’s you’re not supposed to do that. And I was like, okay. So really the play dates and other kids are the best bet. [00:18:00] And I just have to learn to engage with other parents. And facilitate those opportunities for them to really play with each other, because also as they’re getting older, I’m not really interested in their game. Please stop showing me your video games. Show them to your friends. I have other things to do. And I think the planning and organization has been one of the biggest challenges.
Ying: Yeah, and totally understand that. It’s even hard enough to get me outside of the house. I can only imagine what it’s like to get the children outside of the house and get to a place, and then on top of it then you have to interact with other adults you may or may not know very well.
Mariely: Yeah, and the other parents are nice. It’s just neurodivergent people just don’t like small talk.
And also, as a therapist, I have to be careful because I ask questions because I’m really interested, because it is my job, so I have to make a distinction, because sometimes people end up talking about things that they didn’t really feel comfortable sharing at the time, and I learned this while I was in grad school, I really have to [00:19:00] reel it back, I think People with ADHD, I’m so interested in what you’re interested in. I want to know more.
And sometimes I love those conversations and if the other person has ADHD, it’s even better. At the ADHD conference, 2023, I went out with this woman and we were talking about her kids. We went to go get ice and something.
And it was like 20 minutes and we’re walking back and I’m like, by the way, what’s your name? Like I know about her daughter, about her life and those things are more important than what your name is. Sometimes I guess my way of communicating is I like your vibe.
I think we should be friends. And that’s not necessarily the neurotypical way of getting to know people. There’s a lot of small talk involved and all of this stuff. And I think that wears me out. It requires so much cognitive resources, and feels so disingenuous because I don’t know what people’s intentions really are.
politeness, when I moved from New York to Boston, or people being nice for no [00:20:00] reason was really weird. I had to learn people are just nice. It’s like somebody complimented me on something, I was like, thank you. I was like, what does this woman want from me? But it’s just people were just nice.
Ying: That’s hilarious. But that’s so true. That makes me think maybe one of the strengths of ADHD folks , we’re better at like nonverbal communication, almost like what you said, pick up a vibe from people. I do the same thing.
So maybe we’re doing it without that verbal communication of small talk and we can just sense each other. And then we’re like, yeah, vibe click. We can be friends.
Mariely: And yeah, I think that helps me definitely in my clinical work. And what I’ve learned, one, is if you took away all of the administrative BS, research is a great career for somebody with ADHD, if you get a coach for the writing and the deadlines, because you’re constantly learning new information, and thanks to a mentor I had like last year who wrote me a recommendation letter, she identified a strength that I have that I couldn’t put into words.
I know I can read really quickly, but I [00:21:00] can become pseudo expert in a topic or get a sense of the field very rapidly. So I do like a review and sometimes I surprise myself because I don’t have to read all of it. I can scan or I get a sense of what is going on here. And it’s almost unconscious.
And I’m almost afraid to write because part of me is if I don’t read every single letter, if I don’t read everything twice, Do I really get it right, but I do get it right a lot because I am synthesizing this information at a very rapid pace. And this comes with practice, I’ve been doing this for many years and I’ve had great mentors.
But even just knowing that about me gives me this confidence that like, yeah, this is something that I’m good at. And because I’m good at this, now I know that I need support in some of these other ways.
I need support with the writing and the organization. But I think the acceptance of what your ADHD process [00:22:00] is really important.
Because I won’t write anything. I’d be reading for two or three days and writing notes. And then I could write like nine pages in two days or a day. One of the hardest parts I think about parenting is that I can’t do that anymore because I’m constantly interrupted by parenting duties. And for someone who really valued her job and had it part of her identity. I would be so conflicted because I’m just like, Oh, parenting keeps getting in the way of work.
And I’m like, what the hell am I talking about? Work is making parenting really hard.
I don’t like feeling like I’m not bringing my best to something that I’m doing. Cause then why bother? It’s hard for me not to give it a lot, to do something half assed. And so I feel like if I’m not being As good a parent as I want to be, or as good of an employee, it’s a really big struggle.
And I think now more recently, understanding that a job is a job, literally a job, and my health has shown me that because I’ve been suffering because [00:23:00] of this conflict and managing the stress. just focused more on the needs of my kids, while still trying to meet at least the things that I can for my work has given me some more peace. I think sometimes the courage that I’m trying to find is to ask for the space from supervisors or from people who need something from me that I just cannot deliver. I can’t pull all nighters. I cannot focus on this one thing for a few days, because I have patients, I have a family. so, it’s really hard because that means that I have to Break a task down over time. And I thought my memory was good, but it’s not that good, which is why maybe I hyper focus because it takes so long for me to dive back into something I was doing before, and then I end up redoing a lot of the work and then I don’t have any more energy.
So [00:24:00] it’s, even with medication, the ADHD being a dysregulation of attention, but also of your energy. Cause it’s finite.
A lot of people with ADHD can struggle knowing where to put your efforts to get the maximum result. And how many times have we front loaded our energy on the least important part of the task?
So then when I get to something that’s really hard, I’m like, oh I’m too tired. And I feel terrible. so yeah, it’s a work in progress.
Ying: I love what you shared because I see two common threads. One is oftentimes ADHD folks, we need to find something we’re passionate about, then we can really work on them. But because that’s something we’re so passionate about, we’re so curious about, we care about it deeply, then it becomes really hard to hold those boundaries between work and life because we deeply care about what we do.
And the other part is the general bigger society wants us to focus on output. No wonder we hear [00:25:00] ADHD folks say again and again, it’s so hard to balance everything in our life because the external expectations, focus on this one thing. And they don’t care about we’re a whole human being that we have lives and body needs and we need joy.
We need art. We need creativity, everything. Yeah, I hear so many common themes in what you just shared.
We’ll take a little break from the show and talk about my ADHD coaching. So if you’re interested in accomplishing more by doing less, building your ADHD resiliency, amplifying your strengths, as well as craft your own ADHD toolbox and narratives. I’m currently taking 1 on 1 coaching clients. So feel free to visit adhdasiangirl.com/coaching and book a free coaching introductory call with me. My background are in positive psychology, mindfulness, as well as lots of ADHD tried and true tools. I’m looking forward to working with you. Now let’s turn back to the show.
Mariely: This is where I’m struggling with research. Because this is the career that [00:26:00] I feel like I’ve always wanted. I could be great at it. I loved working on research studies, but then once you’re good at something, they try to put you in a management position or a position that separates you from the actual work.
Right now I’m not doing any research, but my job isn’t to write, right? To publish articles. You’re not paid by the journals. The journals make money, but, I was asked to write this paper. It’s been taking me a really long time. Because it’s on alcohol use disorder and ADHD, and I’m not an alcohol researcher, it’s a really complicated disorder, and so I’m trying to be that, but it was hard for me to write initially because I wanted to apply to get funding, so I could actually do the research study.
So it’s like there’s unpaid labor that’s hard versus getting money to do my research. It’s like you’re going to be motivated by something that’s new, exciting, and that gives you money. Because with money, there’s tangible things versus something like [00:27:00] prestige or like citations. What am I going to do with that?
I think there is something in that system, which is yes, you have the privilege of being paid for your ideas to share them with other people, but writing them and putting them in a journal that the people who probably need this information the most are never going to have access to, doesn’t seem like the best way to share this information. This podcast is one of those ways of, talking to people. I, I do talks for like other trainees and, in other settings where I can share some of the work, One, I can share what I’m good at, which is getting a sense of what the space, the field of the research what’s going on in that area and distilling it for non scientists, because even scientific language is like, why do you have to say it’s so complicated?
Who is this for? This is for you. This is not for me. This is not for other people. There are things about me that are really cool, but then there’s these other [00:28:00] barriers that can make it really hard to stay motivated unless you are engaged in something you’re really interested about, or you have to continually remind yourself why you’re doing it and then get support in the areas that when you need it.
I love ADHD coaches. Yes, I’m a psychologist and I know CBT for ADHD and all of that stuff. But, I’ve had patients where they go to church and the church tells them what I’ve been telling them in therapy but then they’re ready to hear it. They heard it from them and I’m perfectly fine.
As long as you get the message, sometimes you need it from different places and they could come from unexpected things like the avatar cartoon or people you find on Twitter like Ying.
Ying: I love what you said about the distinguishment of, knowing something you like, but also recognizing with this thing you like it comes with a lot of parts [00:29:00] maybe you don’t enjoy as much and what’s the parts that we can ask for help? That’s super important.
And I love how you highlighted your strength of synthesize information so quickly. And yes, everybody go follow dr. Hernandez on Twitter, on TikTok. I love the fact she like synthesize and translate scientific articles. I’m like, yes, this is for people like me cause I can never read biology or chemistry.
So that’s amazing. And what are some other strengths of ADHD folks you think we might have? Cause usually when we hear about work and ADHD, it’s usually said it in a negative tone or negative light. I would love to hear your take on that.
Mariely: yeah. I was really good at recruitment. When I was starting out because I could go outside and walk and post flyers. I like talking to people. I got a lot of people to participate in studies. This is probably what often happens with people with ADHD who do research is that they can be really good at that social part but they’re not great at the [00:30:00] documentation or record keeping, and that’s 100 percent true.
And I think that if you don’t have participants, you don’t have a research study. So you need these people who are really good at that part. But maybe you should give them some more support. Maybe your lab should have a regular hour or two every week where everybody does documentation at the same time, like a body doubling thing, right?
Because then it’s on their schedule and everybody’s doing the same thing, so you don’t have the fear of missing out that you’re missing out on doing other, more fun work, because literally you’re not by yourself, so you don’t have to motivate yourself, but everybody there is doing the same thing.
And then if the PI or other people are there, you can ask each other questions. So you can get answers immediately. One of the things I hate is that I can’t finish a task because I’m waiting for a response from someone
So I don’t even want to send that. I would literally go to the ends of the internet to try to find an answer.
So I don’t have to call you, talk to you or send an email. It’s a waste of [00:31:00] time and I’m trying to work around it. I think that’s one of the things that people can do.
Also, it’s this boundless energy. Before I had kids, I just had the energy.
I liked working. And, I worked for a year at Columbia Medical Center in therapy, which is the institutional review board.
And it was a great job because I was a quality assurance person so I could go through different floats and I got to read medical research studies across the whole medical campus and, give feedback or tell them what they need to change to get it approved. I was almost too good at it.
Like my supervisor had to be like, chill I was spotting mistakes, like all these things, but this is wrong, and he’s I had to like make a distinction between what’s actually worth bringing up, so if you’re detail oriented with ADHD, you will notice everything, and , there’s some people who stop noticing things, but you can also have the people who are very aware, very sensitive to things, and have this you can sense if something is [00:32:00] off.
In that sense, if you want someone who is detail oriented, someone with ADHD can also be that person. If you manage people, you manage a lab, recognizing people’s strengths, supporting them, supporting the people, and then offering support or training on the things that they need some more help with, I think will really have everyone bring out their best at work.
Ying: love that. I love the idea of you are just so good at spotting all the things. Yeah. I find ADHD folks are like this. Like I can be very organized at work, yet then my life maybe runs a different way. But yeah, it’s usually the things we’re passionate about, we can notice all the small things that regular folks may not notice.
Mariely: Yeah, and it’s just hard to sort through those things to find out what’s the most important. And that’s actually where I find that breaks are helpful. You’re so deep in what you’re doing, you can’t get a bird’s eye view.
And once you start feeling tired, you just don’t want to stop the activity that you’re doing.
Because I think [00:33:00] the dopamine boost is from the actual doing, not the outcome. It’s really hard for people with ADHD to stop something,
One thing I do want to say, that’s also a strength of ADHD, I think. And I remember when I was little, I was really sensitive.
Movies would always make me cry, I’m very empathic and I was so ashamed of that. But I think that emotional sensitivity, It’s one of those things that maybe it’s not conscious, but has helped me navigate things through life, but it also makes me a really good clinician. And I’ve noticed that other people with ADHD at the ADHD conference, a lot of people are like that, like they can notice even strangers if somebody is not doing okay.
And, Dusty, Canadian doula and ADHD coach. It’s she knows from Canada and I’m like, struggling. Yeah. She just sent me a message out of nowhere. And I was like, how did you know? She’s just are you okay?
Sometimes it’s like exposing cause I was like, I am the one who can tell if people are okay. It feels so comforting [00:34:00] when other people can do that for you and then offer support unconditionally, like strangers,
like at the ADHD Conference it’s just such a nice place to have been.
And so when I leave, I’m always so sad.
Ying: Yeah, definitely. Wow. So so many golden nuggets. Any last sentence about what you want to share with the audience.
Mariely: One of the things that like was really ridiculous that, ADHD and time management, there’s a time blindness there’s this desire to do all of the things and learn all of the things.
But once I start having to put things on my calendar and plan and real do stuff, I felt two things. One, a little bit robbed. I’m like, we have only one life. How am I going to have three or four professions learn two musical instruments, learn all these art techniques, languages, etc.
Like, how can I do this in one lifetime, but then also thinking not [00:35:00] that means that if I really want to do something, I just can’t do it all at the same time.
I should ask for help. For the things that I just don’t want to do like a couple of weeks ago I asked my mom to come help with the laundry because I just didn’t want to do it.
Usually I call her cuz I’ve had a migraine. I’ve got a deadline I’m in distress but like I just wanted to focus my energy on something else and She was happy to help and then I got to help her with some other things and that’s just how I prefer to spend my time. There’s no shame in asking for help, and you don’t have to ask for help when everything is on fire.
You can just ask for help, either because you don’t want to do it, or you don’t want to do it alone.
And that’s perfectly fine and it can allow you to do more things than you thought you could.
Ying: I love that. Yeah, I think, especially for women, oftentimes we only get a diagnose, we only ask for help when literally our life is not working anymore and it’s on fire. And then, yeah, I love the [00:36:00] idea of asking for help more often, preemptively, we don’t have to wait till the
very last minute.
Mariely: Yeah, and my husband does the laundry but I don’t want him to spend time in the lot doing the laundry either like it’s easier if there’s football because he’ll watch football and do laundry because it’s all in the same space, but I want us to spend time together, if someone else can do the laundry we can hang out with the kids, we can play with them.
We can do things together, and it’s just if you have limited time, what is the best way that you would want to use it? And it can be annoying at first to frontload, to think, to prioritize, because that can be really hard for ADHD, but it does have a good payoff and I think it’s worth spending that effort.
Ying: Yeah. So know when and what to ask for help. I love that we end on that note. Thank you so much for being on my podcast and where can we find you on social media?
Mariely: Yeah Instagram, TikTok is at drmarielyh. You can probably easily find my Instagram.
email through my institution, but it’s probably not the best way to reach [00:37:00] me. So you can probably reach me faster on Instagram.
Also, you’re really good at this. You’re really good at listening and finding the great questions to ask. So I’m so glad you have the show and I look forward to talking again, in the future.
Ying: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. If you enjoy today’s episode, please feel free to drop a comment and review on apple podcasts or Spotify podcast. Or send me a DM on social media or send me an email to [email protected] Sending lots of love to you and have a good day.